Is it just me who cannot fit in?

I remember about a decade ago I read a New York Times article sharing that urban natives from New York and Italy were following the emerging trend of evenly dividing their time spent in metropolitan cities and villages. Since 2018, I have been one of the followers of the trend. As an early career researcher, unless mandatorily required to be based on campus, I would spend my time in the countryside.

During my 50 months of doctoral studies at Cambridge, I would usually live on the outskirts (about a 40-minute drive from the city centre), while commuting to the university once a week or every two weeks to assume in-person academic responsibilities. Whenever I’ve been on holiday breaks (summer, winter, or spring breaks), I would move to Thailand or Southeast Asia at large. Here I’ve left my footprint in many vacation-popular destinations, such as Phuket, Koh Samui, Hua Hin, and Bali.

After so many years of constant travelling and relocating, I can tell that there is no single utopia. However, we can balance our lifestyles by living between cities and the countryside.

During the first month or two after relocating to villages, vacation islands, or the outskirts of any city, I always experience the “honey-moon” period where I can reach solitude, Zen, and inner peace. However, as time goes on, the unwelcome loneliness, along with the guilt of not being socially engaged, always hits me hard. I would envision how my life would change for the better once I relocate back to cities — which would allow me to be more active professionally, socially, and dating-wise.

Yet, romanticisation is not an available vocabulary in reality. Each time I head back to cities (either in the West or East), metropolitan problems pop up regularly. We might come across some grumpy, furious people out of nowhere. We might feel uneasy in crowded shared space — which I’ve always been victimised in since I’ve been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder for half of my life. We might be irritated and/or depressed when needing to live in a tiny apartment unit in a highly dense mansion. We become more anxious, mentally drained, and in more extreme cases, low-key hostile when being surrounded by people.

It does not take long for me to regret heading back to cities, while longing for the solitude, peace, and Zen I could secure at the outskirts or in villages. On many days and nights, I question myself if I am such a failure who is always against human nature, as the media emphasises:

We are all supposed to be social animals.

Whenever I fail to be a “qualified” social animal, while my human nature is always craving social connections, I deem myself a pathetic loser. As a sociologist, I understand how not fulfilling my social responsibilities and meeting social expectations can easily make me socially dislocated, which, in turn, harms my mental health and wellness. The constant disappointment, frustration, and fear of the hustle and bustle jeopardise my self-worth and -esteem.

To date, I still do not feel comfortable living in cities. I no longer romanticise how city life would enrich my social well-being. Instead, I’m tense and low-key depressed whenever I need to relocate to cities.

A lot of scientific findings revealed decades ago are proven to be misleading or overly generalised nowadays. I always ponder whether the claim that all of us must necessarily be social animals can be challenged one day. I do not disagree that (longing for) being socially engaged is part of human nature. Yet, science, in addition, suggests that some people choose to reach solitude for better health and wellness.

I just hope that one day science can inform us that not all of us should necessarily be deemed social animals. Then, my guilt of “defying human nature” would be lessened.

Overall, I just hope that I’m not the only failed one who cannot fully live up to social responsibilities and expectations.

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