“What we want” might imprison us

Overview: My hometown

I was born in Hong Kong thirty years ago. At that time, natives took great pride in the city’s economic advancement and educational excellence. I recall my late father taking our whole family for lunch at Chinese restaurants every weekend. As was common, conversations around customers frequently revolved around success, wealth, and fame.

In retrospect, that is understandable. For decades, Hong Kongers had taken pride in their city being one of the world’s leading financial centres. Parents, including my own, would strive to pave the way for their children: through education, into professional careers, and eventually towards suitable marriages.

The modern puppet

Consequently, as a child, the primary things my parents seemed to value were admission to top-ranked schools and the number of accolades I could earn from extra-curricular activities. My elder brother, a decade my senior, was judged primarily on the prestige of his alma mater, followed by whether he could secure internships or graduate scheme offers from leading investment banking firms, led by Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan.

I believed that was the only ‘correct’ route in life. I thought that, as a son, bringing pride and glory to my immediate family was my primary responsibility. Furthermore, I normalised how these responsibilities could be quantified and materialised into tangible achievements. During my formative years, school and the media socialised me into believing that winning the ‘rat race’ was my sole calling.

In my hometown, a common saying captured this sentiment starkly: “My children have to win from the moment they are sperm.”

Consequently, my early life felt programmed and prescribed. My parents ‘helped’ me decide which school to attend, what subjects to study, the peers I was permitted to make friends with, and which overseas summer programmes I was required to join. Essentially, my parents, acting as head coaches, planned my trajectory; I was merely the one tasked with executing their ‘game plan’.

Before graduating from high school, my student life had been hectic. It involved a long list of after-school tutorials — a common practice in developed East Asian regions like South Korea, Japan, Taiwan, Hong Kong— often lasting until midnight. Seven days a week, 52 weeks a year, I felt constantly anxious, depressed, and burnt out; yet, simultaneously, I remained determined, driven, and dedicated. I believed this was the only correct path in life, convinced — as the media, school, and my family constantly reinforced — that any alternative was for ‘losers’.

The successful loser

Some people might call these ‘first-world problems’. I do not disagree. The fierce competition, present from the moment one is introduced to this society seemingly defined by scarcity and hierarchy, is profound. Children are socialised to internalise the belief that prestige, wealth, fame, and accolades constitute the sole recipe for success.

To be clear, even now, I still believe and acknowledge that prestige, wealth, fame, and accolades often serve as proxies for success. However, I remain unsure whether we should trade ‘what we need’ for ‘what we want’. Given the intensity and stress I was subjected to throughout my childhood and adolescence, I was eventually diagnosed with multiple mental health conditions. Even today, these conditions significantly impact my daily life.

There are many essential things we need in life: health, relationships, and a degree of autonomy. Ever since my diagnoses, I have struggled to form and maintain authentic connections and relationships, even with those closest to me. Worse still, as those living with severe mental health challenges understand all too well, one can lose the autonomy and agency to follow one’s heart.

The pursuit dictated by these so-called ‘first-world problems’ taught me how to appear successful by chasing socially desirable markers. Yet, ironically, during that process, I lost the fundamental assets that all of us truly need.

So, was I successful? Or was I simply, in the end, a pathetic loser?

Thanks for reading my personal story. If you would like to learn more about (mental) health, personal development and/or (online) education from me, please feel free to subscribe to my newsletter below. Also please feel free to browse my blog — Society & Growth — for more content at https://jasonhungofficialblog.com/.