We’ve all been there. Hurt by a careless word, betrayed by a trusted friend or partner, wronged by a colleague. These experiences leave scars, but clinging to resentment can inflict even deeper wounds, not just on our minds, but also on our bodies.

Prof. Tyler VanderWeele, co-director of the Initiative on Health, Religion, and Spirituality at the Harvard’s T.H. Chan School of Public Health, puts it plainly: holding onto grudges traps us. “Forgiving someone who has wronged you is never easy,” he explains, “but dwelling on those events and reliving them over and over can fill your mind with negative thoughts and suppressed anger… when you learn to forgive, you are no longer trapped by the past actions of others and can finally feel free.”

Forgiveness isn’t just about saying “I forgive you.” It’s a process with two distinct aspects. Decisional forgiveness is the conscious choice to let go of your desire for revenge or ill-will. You actively decide you no longer want negative things to happen to the person who hurt you. Prof. VanderWeele notes this part is often the easier and quicker to achieve. Emotional forgiveness, on the other hand, is the deeper, more challenging part. It involves moving past the negative emotions associated with the offence. The pain, anger, and resentment fade over time, and you no longer get trapped by the wrongdoing. This can be a longer process with old feelings surfacing regularly.

There are many benefits of forgiveness. Research consistently links forgiveness to lower levels of depression and anxiety, reduced hostility, decreased substance abuse, higher self-esteem and increased life satisfaction.

Forgiving isn’t always easy. Societal norms can also make it difficult. One significant challenge is admitting to ourselves that we are hurt.

1. R = Recall the hurt.

If you want to learn how to forgive, Prof. VanderWeele shares the REACH method, developed by researchers, which offers a structured approach. Firstly, RECALL the wrongdoing objectively. Focus on understanding what happened, without judgement or self-pity. Acknowledge all the feelings that arise, even the uncomfortable ones.

2. E = Empathise with your partner.

Next, EMPATHISE and try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. Without minimising the wrong, consider what might have motivated their actions. As Prof. VanderWeele points out, “People who attack others are sometimes themselves in a state of fear, worry, and hurt… they often don’t think when they hurt others, and they just lash out.”

3. A = Altruistic gift.

The following step involves gifting ALTRUISTICALLY, reflect on a time you were forgiven for something you did wrong. How did that make you feel? This helps you recognise that forgiveness is a gift you can give to others, just as it was given to you.

4. C = Commit.

The fourth stage involves COMMITTING to your forgiveness. Make a commitment to forgive. Write it down in a journal, compose a letter (that you don’t have to send), or confide in a trusted friend. This solidifies your decisional forgiveness.

5. H = Hold onto forgiveness.

Finally, you should HOLD onto your forgiveness, even when memories and painful emotions resurface. Forgiveness isn’t about erasing what happened; it’s about changing your reaction to those memories. Remind yourself of your commitment, review your journal entries, or recall your conversation with a friend.

Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event; it’s an ongoing process. But the benefits of letting go of resentment are undeniable. By choosing forgiveness, you free yourself from the past and create a healthier, happier future.