In today’s society, we are constantly facing a paradox which I dub the “lie about metropolitan cities.” Growing up, we thought living in New York, London, and Hong Kong was symbolic of higher-class status. We believed that living in these dynamic cities guaranteed better education, better resources, better pay, and more. Especially when our parents socialised us during our formative years on how moving to these world-class metropolitan cities, followed by gaining a solid footing there, meant success in life.

Then, we tried whatever we could to grind and climb up the ladders (socially, academically, and professionally). Upon bachelor’s or master’s graduation, we moved to the populated, dense, and advanced cities—where the money and elites belong. We might be working in a full-time job that we do not necessarily like—needing to be based at the office five days a week, with long commute hours and a raft of departmental meetings to attend. Yes, the base salary level is higher than what we can ask for in second- or third-tier cities, but so are the living costs. We cannot really save any money, ending up being trapped in the cycle of “living paycheck to paycheck.”

On social media, we see many college or high school friends are socially present and active. They are having fun either with their friends, partners, or family members. Yet, in these dynamic cities, we do not necessarily have the social or professional network to engage in different parties or events on Friday night or at weekends. Of course, we can download online dating apps to find someone to chat with and meet up. Here, ladies can easily match with a bunch of guys, but sooner or later, they are going to find out the motives of these guys are not what they initially hoped for—I will find some time to discuss this in another blog post. Guys encounter far more barriers to matching with any ladies. Even when they match, the ladies on the other side are likely not very responsive on the dating apps—again, I will find some time to discuss this in another blog post.

We cannot meet up with our families. Because we relocate to these world-class metropolitan cities to work and hopefully realise the “American dream” or its equivalent in the long term, we are, tentatively or in the long term, separated from our families.

And life is getting harder. We feel like, for the most part, we are only socially active whenever we work in the office. However, we hate the work structure that requires us to work on-site instead of remotely. The paycheck we receive monthly is barely enough to cover our living costs. If you are working in industries that pay more, you may be able to save some money per month. But then you think about sending some remittances to your parents, or you, as someone with planning, are thinking about investing your savings into some index funds to build an investment portfolio for the sake of your retirement. Even if we have the time, we do not necessarily have spare money to socialise, to date or, broadly speaking, to immerse ourselves in the dynamics of these big cities.

That’s the “lie about metropolitan cities.” I recently turned down a well-paid job offer in Singapore. I do not want to get trapped in such a vicious cycle for the next 30 or 40 years. The only way to escape being trapped is to find alternative, non-conventional means to build your social values—values that ultimately you can monetise. For me, I have actively been seeking jobs in AI policy research. Not only are these jobs very well-paid, but many of them can be performed remotely and independently. As of writing this blog post, I have tentatively relocated to a small island in South Korea. The low living costs and low population density here allow me to be self-sustained and acquire a space of peace.

As someone who grew up in Hong Kong and spent multiple years living in London, yes, big cities are dynamic. But because of that, we very often feel left behind. Especially when Friday nights or weekends are around the corner, we are dealing with a lot of depression and self-doubt if we are stuck at home.

Of course, there are always people who prefer living in these top-notch metropolitan cities, just as there are people who want to stay away from these places to retrieve better health and wellness, as long as they can still financially sustain their everyday lives.

If you are in big cities, are you lonely?